Does anybody remember being a kid and filling out those stacks of cheap but colorful Valentines Day cards? Do you remember the little multi-colored candy hearts and the various sayings on them? I remember take the time to pick out the ones that said “Marry Me” because that was just too freaky weird at age nine or ten. I distinctly remember wanting to get as many cards from as many classmates as possible thinking that “more is better” and that a paper bag bulging with store bought valentines was a sign of being popular and well-liked in school. If I didn’t get one from a “popular” girl or someone who I had a crush on it actually hurt my feelings and made me feel shitty. I wished the world could be more “fair” in that respect and I sometimes fantasized what it would be like to “control” how people felt towards me like some elementary school Svengali King. In general I guess l I wanted everybody to either like me, think I was “really cute” or at least look up to me in some age-appropriate way… which usually meant being a good athlete. Kinda unrealistic considering I was always the second smallest kid in class and extremely skinny to boot. Also, up until high school I never excelled at anything except maybe dodgeball and that was only because I was fairly clever and knew how to duck. In retrospect, I dont think I ever really succeeded at that very human desire and exceedingly social pursuit (to be super cool and popular) and no doubt I have the childhood scars to prove it. It all seems pretty superficial looking back on it.
Superficiality aside, the idea I remembered (again) recently is how important it is to consciously let go of ones false sense of control over most things, to open ones heart to both joy and pain and especially to let God (atheists insert “higher power” here) or something greater then oneself to motivate and drive ones pursuits in life. The sense of connection to God is a very personal matter and something one uniquely perceives/feels and perhaps “practices”. The loss or forgetting of this deeper connection can be due to many understandable reasons that include human apathy, anxiety, trauma, existential alienation, loss of “faith”, anger, depression, ego-hubris, cynicism, laziness, too much focus on money (or cocaine) , personal vanity and compulsivity/addiction in a culture that is about as far from spiritual as McDonalds is from gourmet food. I’m talking about a personal felt spiritual connection here and not religion, altho to be honest I dont consider playing with rattlesnakes while quoting bible verses to be a valid form of spiritual practice. By the way, I raised my hand on most of the factors above that can get in the way of ones ongoing spiritual connection and growth. A lot of the things that happen in the course of ones life really cause damage to our souls and really hurt…alot. I guess like many other people I need to keep working on consciously opening my “heart chakra” and seeking deeper and more authentic connections with others and with myself.
I also must admit that just watching too much TV (or being online) , while very entertaining and an excellent distraction can make one either dumb as a doorknob or even worse, actually stupid enough to care about how things are going with Snooki and her new baby. Work can also be physically exhausting and mind-numbing for a lot of people. Not working on the other hand, can make one crazy or bored to death. Like physical activity or exercise there apparently is such a thing as spiritual inertia as well as spiritual momentum. Maybe it (spiritual connectedness) is just the natural mind-body opposite (or counter-balance) to working out, being physically fit and eating healthy…or in my case, not falling back into a really bad habit of late night Triscuit binges or scarfing down double Oreos by the sleeve.
To lose ones mojo (inner strength), spiritual power or core beliefs about life is a bit like being sexually impotent. Once you go limp and lose interest, it feels like there is nothing left to do with ones primary purpose or libido (psychic/sexual energy), literally or figuratively. It’s like NASA having a rocket on the launchpad and no outer space to penetrate or explore for the sake of scientific discovery. If you cant explore “strange new worlds where no man or woman has gone before” spiritually speaking, then you not only aren’t going anywhere but there is little true meaning in being here ( conscious and sentient being on Planet Earth) except maybe procreation and praying that you dont get cancer or have a massive heart attack. Such basically neurotic or superstitious options, including hopping around on one foot while trying to ward off the kinnehora (evil spirits) are NOT what one would call awe-inspiring or soul enriching human endeavors. They are the booby prize of a depressed soul that is not moving forward spiritually.
To know that there are at least a few people in the world who love me and share my core beliefs (and super sarcastic/quirky “spin” on things) is to not feel quite so all alone in this vast uncharted Universe, a place that operates on Cosmic algorithms and quantum principles that I will NEVER be able to adequately fathom. The best that I/we can do as human beings is identify and stick to our own higher principles, attempt to live our lives consistent with our personal values, and forgive oneself for being so very human. Guilt and shame are the black holes of the psyche. It also helps to “lighten up” and laugh… especially at yourself. Therefore I can only say on this Valentines Day… thank you to my friends for being in my cosmic orbit at this particular quantum time, place, and dimension of existence. Your love, kindness and understanding, regardless of my frail human ego and admitted eccentricity has helped me to deal with my past wounds and open my heart. I will keep working on it. Certainly I know I have a ways to go… Btw, Happy Valentines Day. What a weird weird occasionally wonderful world it is. Love, Cliff, aka CaptCliff