Disclaimer: I am not a warmonger or someone who takes going to war lightly, especially if it involves me getting scratched up, losing a limb or ending up a quadraplegic without the functional use of my genitals…. or possibly having to pay more taxes. That being said, we as a nation need to face facts and do the right selfish American thing.
Apparently we are on the brink of war with North Korea. I know this is shocking to hear. Every single American with the exception of Dennis Rodman is potentially at risk given North Korea’s rogue status, nuclear capability, and highly unstable dwarf-ish leader, Kim Jong Sick-in-the-Head. The North Korean populace are so hungry and brainwashed that they dont even buy their fresh produce from trade-free organic sources and they disregard our repeated warnings about eating gluten-free clean diets. Even tho they do keep their body-fat ratio down due to rampant starvation and forced exercise (not a bad idea), they still dont grasp the simple logic of following a Paleo lifestyle. I’m saying it’s not their fault completely but they are hypnotized savages with the kind of bad breath that makes you turn your head and go, “omg, eww!” How do you negotiate with heads of state and military leaders reeking of charcoal, halitosis and kimchi? That kimchi stuff is so rank, by the way, and I dont care if it’s anti-inflammatory. Obviously their leader is not.
Bottomline: I dont usually agree with Dick Cheney and his cabal of neo-conservative Emperors of Doom but they might have been right about Iraq. We should have gone in there and just taken the oil, the women, and then nuked the rest to Hell. The women alone would have been worth a fair amount with their exotic eyes, high cheekbones and generally submissive attitudes. Now they are getting all uppity and refusing to engage in arranged marriages or have their private parts mutilated at puberty. Its starting to look like a Hilary Clinton convention over there and that’s not even mentioning how unappreciative the bastard puppet leaders and proxy regimes are that we put in place (after briefly consulting with the CIA and NSA). For Christ sakes we taught them how to use soap, bottled water and toilet paper!! Before we got there they were still squatting and wiping their ass with their left hand. The Israelis were also right. You cant talk to these Muslim people and most of them would rather use their next generation cellphones as IED detonation triggers than cutting edge smart technology capable of playing Angry Birds while simultaneously sexting high-resolution photos of your penis to people you’ve never even met. We invented that! What a pitiful waste. Let’s face it, you cant make a “silk purse from a sow’s ear” and the kind of folks who live in North Korea, Iraq, Afghanistan and many parts of Florida and Georgia just cant be educated or rehabilitated. It’s like in that great movie Deliverance with Burt Reynolds and Jon Voight. If you turn your back on indigenous people with poor dental hygiene and no basic knowledge of college football they basically fuck you in the ass, which goes right back to the sow’s ear analogy. If you need one last related bullet point then get this….many of these foreigners absolutely REFUSE to eat BACON!!!! Enuf said?
I think I’ve made my point. Let’s man up and make a damn decision. Obama only got Bin Laden because key Republicans told him to pull the trigger or else they would release his phony looking birth certificate and a video of him, Michelle, and Hilary working on their “abs and forearms” together in their birthday suits down in the White House basement gym. Personally I’ve never seen a P90x routine quite like that even tho I suppose vigorous sex on a weight bench and yoga mat bearing the Presidential seal might qualify as a certain form of “resistence training”. Anyway we need to act right now and launch a preemptive strike on Little Kim/Psy Weirdo and his minion of North Korean sheeple-people. I suggest we use a combination tactic of Team America’s World Police raid and Schwartzkopf’s “Hail Mary” armored blitzkrieg from Desert Storm…. minus the cultural respect and religious tolerance. Easter Sunday or Passover is as good a day as any for D-Day. I doubt the North Koreans even know what an Easter egg is. If General Schwartzkopf can’t physically lead the charge or legally be exhumed and mounted on the hood of the lead Humvee like in Mad Max Thunderdome then let Arnold Swartzenegger take his place. He still looks good, his name is somewhat similar, and the little Korean Dwarf King knows Ah-nold is relentless from all the times he jerked off as a pre-teen watching his action movies. Plus, Arnold can redeem himself for shtupping the “help”, getting caught, and then even admitting it. Couldn’t he afford a good lying defense lawyer like Johnny Cochran or Jose Baez, for God sakes?
My fellow Americans, I’m talking about a “Win-Win” situation for America except for the fact that Korean women are not quite as good-looking as them Persian chicks. Finally if you liberal wimps in the audience think nuclear weapons are too “drastic” and are afraid of a little radiation or a nuclear winter or two in retaliation keep in mind we have “tactical” nuclear weapons in our military arsenal. We can nuke ’em in surgically precise targeted strikes that wipe out their ICBMs and shitty rat-infested cities while keeping a few ancient shrines and modern skyscrapers completely intact for future American tourist dollars and gambling venues. Wadda ya all think? Genius or what? I say “Nuke ’em Now”!
P.S. Forget their nukes. They probably dont work anyway. We only want their women, their land, and their tourist attractions. They can keep their stinky ass Kimchi too.