Robot Handjobs…So To Speak

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My favorite Law of Robotics is the one which basically says, “Robots must obey humans and follow their command”. Anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows how that must sound….like music to their ears. In general, people don’t like to follow orders and the closer they are to you the LESS likely they are to listen or carry out your command. That may explain why we love dogs so much and have mixed emotions about cats. Dogs love to listen and have some kind of perverse need for human love and approval (not to mention bacon and doggie treats). Cats, on the other hand, are more like 14 year old girls who just look at you and think, “Leave me alone. Omg, what!???”
 
On Happy Endings With Robots
Since the world is quite insane and insanity is just one way to cope with an absurd reality, I must revisit the topic of sex with robots. Of course I’ve reported on this “engaging” subject before on account of the fact that men obsess about the possibility and secretly care more about it than whether NASA will EVER land men on Mars or if an iPhone app for their roomba vacuum exists. Naturally, very few guys will admit this publicly and by mentioning it here I have just broken the Man Code of Extreme Sexual Secrecy (MCESS).
Ever since AOL chat rooms allowed its users to dial up and talk dirty by typing furiously on keyboards with nameless and faceless overweight women in Omaha (and some kooky men pretending to be women in Ohio) guys have waited patiently for the advanced robotics and Sci-fi technology necessary to enable them to have real sex ….with fake people.
 
Truth be told, the fantasy of sexing it up with androids has been around much longer than AOL. Those of us who were brought up in the 50′s and 60′s will remember sexy robots in science fiction movies and TV shows such as Metropolis, Star Trek, Star Wars, Battlestar Galactica, Blade Runner, AI, etc. The Terminator chick doesn’t count because she was too likely to melt or turn her hand into a razor sharp sword and plunge it into your forehead. That’s not sexy. Our robot fantasies were often preceded by actual encounters in childhood with animatronic figures at Disneyland, several World Fairs and a handful (so to speak) of  exhibits at museums. I know its hard (so to speak) for the average reader to imagine how the talking parrots at the Enchanted Tiki Room at Disney or the supporting cast of characters at Mr Lincolns Hall of Presidents or Chuck-e-Cheese could later give rise to florid man-machine sex fantasies but that would take a lengthy discussion about male hormones and puberty insanity to fully explain. Even then most of you would be left wondering, “are you freakin’ kidding me??” Trust me on this. Like outer space and treacherous snow-covered mountains in Nepal, man contemplates going sexually where no other man (or horny male teenager) has gone before. According to sexological research that has even included farm animals, kitchen appliances, soft furniture, household pets, and God only knows what else……If you don’t believe me read the original Kinsey report. 
Bottomline: The future is now and some sick bastard research scientist and AI engineer (usually Japanese or German) have finally figured out how to make a robot give a proper hand job (see link below). A Chinese beta version looks more like something at a video arcade that you drop a coin in the slot and then “belly up” to the machine.  Talk about a serious industrial accident waiting to happen… I think I’ll put off buying this particular doorbuster item until they get all the bugs out of the operating system and make the thing look less like the Terminators torn off robotic limb attached to what appears to be a “shake weight” or my plastic egg beater device by Ronco. On the other hand (so to speak) I cant wait for the live infomercial selling this craziness on QVC.
AND I WAS ONLY HALF-SERIOUS. THESE PEOPLE ARE FOR REAL: http://yunchtime.net/?p=780

About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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