Germany is apparently crawling with “people who eat people” (cue Barbara Streisand music here).
That’s right, you heard me correctly. I’m not referring to modern day zombies, hungry skinheads, resurrected tribesmen or bands of Teutonic Barbarians chanting Pagan blood rituals. I’m referring to average German citizens living ordinary lives as policemen, office clerks, computer programmers and architects. The only difference is that they’ve developed a persistent preference for eating other human beings. I suppose they could be considered Euro-cannibals. I know Germans love their electronic music, their automobiles, and their homemade sausages and meat pies, ie. bierocks, but I had no idea that a portion of the populace of Munich is now engaging in flash mob renditions of the real Sweeney Todd.
By utilizing social media platforms these culinary “outliers” are able to locate one other and meet (meat?) in a civilized way before chowing down on someones liver with fava beans and a bottle of Chianti. (add SOL slurping noise here) First talking online or meeting informally for coffee, contemporary cannibals are able to “smell each other out” and come to mutually agreeable terms. It’s kind of like a date on Match.com but way more permanent. Maybe there’s even an app for it like Tinder. Simple “nibblers” or those only interested in “finger foods” can be distinguished from hardcore Man-eaters who finish everything on their plate and enjoy keeping body parts in the garage freezer. The Hannibal Lector gourmands who prefer a full tasting menu with seasonal smorgasbord of internal organs are able to obtain the ultimate “murder to morgue” feast to which they are accustomed. Amazingly, a small number of these extreme eating enthusiasts are nice enough to prefer to be eaten rather than eating others, thus lowering their carbon footprint on Earth to absolute zero. How very noble! Come to think of it, if more people donated their bodies to a bistro or Subway sandwich shop rather than to medical science we might reduce overpopulation AND come up with a viable alternative food source for mankind; one that is nutritious, packed with protein and beats the heck out of those ginormous insects Andrew Zimmern eats on “Bizarre Foods”. I for one do not hold out for the food science geeks to ever develop a soy product which tastes “just like filet mignon”. No way. Human beings on the other hand may just be the next big thing on the global foodie menu, ie., wagyu tartare, chargrilled hanger steak au poivre, etc. With this growing movement in Germany aimed less towards traditionally fattening Bavarian fare and more towards human protein-rich fare, American chefs like Bobby Flay might want to pay attention. Heck, if Bobby Flay ever chose to spark up the terrace grill and try out this nuvo-cannibal trend he might get a chance to live up to his name…literally.
Dont believe me? Read this: http://abcnews.go.com/International/cannibal-cop-allegations-rock-germany/story?id=21058055
Upper photo: Wagyu Tartare, Blackbird, Chicago Illinois