Dangerous New Sex Disorder

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From the Mailbag This Week:   Dear Dr. Mazer, I have a lot of shame over what I am about to tell you. I am a 30 year old male graduate student in English Literature. I had planned on pursuing a teaching career once I finish my doctoral dissertation. I have had the same gf for four years and we are engaged to be married. I saw Michelle Bachmann on Fox News just today and I now realize I have an unnatural attraction to her, especially when she has on tons of make-up, wears tight fitting dresses, and talks about God. This has happened to me before when I saw her picture online and I found myself googling her name, looking for photos of her and wasting time abusing myself instead of working on my thesis statement. What should I do and what in holy hell is wrong with me??  Jake  (not my real name)

Dear Jake, You definitely have what we in the sex therapy business call a bizarre sexual paraphilia. Wikipedia defines a paraphilia as follows:

Paraphilia (from Greek para παρά = beside and -philia φιλία = friendship, meaning love) involves the experience of intense sexual arousal to atypical objects, situations, or individuals.[1] Paraphilic behavior (such as pedophilia, zoophilia, sexual sadism, and exhibitionism) may be illegal in some jurisdictions, but may also be tolerated in certain cultures (ie. anal sex with donkeys in certain impoverished Latin American countries lacking running water or petting zoos)  . No consensus has been found for any precise border between unusual personal sexual tastes and paraphilic ones.

Jake, regardless of the last sentence which almost suggests a certain “relativity” or culture bound quality to having such highly unusual sexual preferences or urges towards inanimate or superficial objects, we can still conclude that your sexual compulsion is not only unhealthy but likely to end in great misery and eternal damnation.  My guess is you have more skeletons in your closet and they may include keeping internet files of old high school videos and images of Sarah Palin and (God forbid) even Ann Coulter. I say this with all respect. You may have heard of the biblical injunction, “If thine eyes offend thee then pluck them out”. In your case I would surgically remove all your limbs and hanging appendages and have them bleached and sandblasted. You need professional help my friend and a high dose of Prozac or Paxil aint gonna cut it. I feel sorry for your gf as I fear it may already be too late for you and your divine soul.  With Regret and Regards,  Dr. Cliff Mazer

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About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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