Livin’ in the USA…with Ebola

Some of you may have heard that the first non-isolated case of Ebola virus has been identified in Texas. Maybe you were too busy buying up shares of Alibaba, purposely bending your new iPhone6, or trying to outrun the rash of storms devastating both coastlines. It’s hard to concentrate with the polar ice caps melting and displaced species like wolves and bears wandering through gated communities looking for garbage and small pets to feed on. I know I’ve been distracted by ISIS and all the beheadings taking place in the Mideast and Oklahoma. It’s beginning to look like the backroom wall at Party City and early Halloween in Iraq with all the freakish heads propped on fenceposts and scattered in front of nicely tended public parks and government buildings.

Meanwhile, ISIL, the rag-tag group of homicidal Jihadists are apparently already on the outskirts of Baghdad with future plans to invade London, Paris, Atlanta and Detroit.  They can have Detroit but I really wish they would spare Atlanta and take Augusta instead. The place smells like a perpetual garbage dump and has only two existing weather patterns…driving rain and magma hot/humid. As a doctor of Psychology I feel it is my duty to inform the public, maintain calm, and attempt to preserve order in the midst of all this COMPLETE AND UTTER CHAOS!! Taking in a deep mindful cleansing breath and letting it out slowly I am suggesting at this point in time that we all….Run for our lives!! Save Yourself before it’s too late!! Leave the sick and injured, it’s too late for them!!

Ok, I’m just kidding. Seriously, there is no reason to panic (yet). Both the President and the CDC told us that Ebola is “very unlikely” to show up or spread to the United States and that “careful measures” have been taken to protect the American public.  Of course this is the same President who has a cadre of “dedicated and determined” Secret Service around him who it appears are dedicated and determined to KILL HIM or at least allow any lunatic within a stone (or shoe) throw of the Oval office to gut him like a fish with a rusty pocket knife and/or blow up the First Family by hopping a fence and sprinting like a rabid deer into the White House unmolested. Yes, I realize that today they are reporting another security “incident” at the CDC (of all places) where the Secret Service allowed a “disturbed man” on the elevator with the POTUS who happened to be “acting funny” and carrying a gun. At least it wasn’t a Bowie knife and a vial of Ebola……. Can you say “Grassy knoll”?


Let me end by describing simply what we can all do in the current state of madness and mass paranoia. There is no need to freak out. I’m going to show you how life with Ebola will not substantially change anything. I also have several photo illustrations below that appeal to our basic psychological need to “think positive”,”visualize the future” and “just know” we will be ok. Consider this a kind of subliminal survival slide-show that will helps us all to adjust to the “new normal” that is life with Ebola in 2014.
I actually hate that term “new normal” and wish whoever invented this particular lame-ass meme starts bleeding from every orifice. Ok now,  just relax and look at these color photos being careful to read the accompanying captions.
ebola7

The good news: No need for clothing. Everyone will wear Hazmat suits that circulate a mixture of Lysol, ammonia, and Bacitracin mist around your entire body 24/7. CPAP wearers can plug their machines into the extra intake opening. Another plus, evacuate anytime you please.

ebolasuit1

Normal routines like cooking and sharing meals in the kitchen remain the same. Of course the refrigerator will need to be retrofitted with bank vault apparatus and Outbreak sterile chambers to prevent fatal contagion. I still recommend LG over Subzero or GE. Blending all meals including steak, ribs, and buttermilk pancakes into a puree mash so that they can slip seamlessly into the suit’s “stoma bag” will be, let’s just say “different” but hey, you can still maintain your “Paleo diet”!

ebolasuit2

Shopping for the family is virtually unchanged. American ingenuity allows family traditions like taking college-bound kids to Ikea to go on as always. Here is IKEA’s prototype dormitory bunk bed called “Ebola-kklatu-barata-niktu”. It’s a beauty and the chance of infections (STDs or Ebola) is almost nil.   Good luck trying to put it together.

ebolasuit5

Wondering about me? Will I continue to see clients and provide patients with supportive psychotherapy and empathic regard? Of course I will but only after they are fully strapped into this “safety” harness to prevent them from spitting on me or somehow transferring their infectious bodily fluids onto my new berber carpet or white noise machine. To be honest if their eyes start to roll (or go “zombie”) or their ears begin to bleed its going to be a much shorter session than 50 minutes and the last thing they will “remember” from their dream is the barrel of my shotgun pressed against their temple…..

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About captaincliff

Psychologist by day, insomniac Pirate blogger by night, this Child of God likes to share sarcastic social commentary as well as topsy-turvy observations about life, love and the pursuit of zaniness, a functional form of insanity in an increasingly insane world
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