Repent for the Kingdom of God may well be at hand…or at least “at foot” as in Hoof and Mouth and Mad Cow Disease. Just how crazy is the world right now? Answer: As crazy as the craziest lunatic one reads about in the “weird news” that I monitor like a hawk with an eagle eye for the truly absurd. Some of these people are so crazy it leaves the rest of us “normal nuts” frozen in a semi-permanent “WTF!!” position once the depth of their insanity is revealed. Sort of like the “Do you SEE?!!” line in the movie Red Dragon. At that point it’s pretty difficult to look away…so to speak.
Thus, the power of cow corneas compels me to comment about one weird news story currently gaining “traction”. You can read it yourself (above) for fun and pure incredulity. A guy is busted by the police driving home from work at a meat processing plant in Wyoming. He is found to be bootlegging cow eyeballs up his pants and in his ANUS because he likes to EAT them. Also, surprisingly, they dont let you steal eyeballs at his job. Finally, he admits to being addicted to eating these tasty treats and says he has consumed “thousands” of them over the course of several months. Riiiiight……
Ok, let’s pause to take a cleansing breath, possibly take a vomit break, and ask ourselves some pertinent psychological questions like, “What the fuck??!!” or “Holy Shitballs Batman..Why??!!” Still, we must remain calm, clear and objective while also remembering to keep our collective third eye trained on the bouncing bovine balls. Is it conceivable that the fall-out from this “peeper pooper” in Casper, Wyoming may represent what sociologists term a “leading indicator” of the direction society is heading? Certainly all roads no longer lead to Rome as it does sometimes feel like the Universe is crumbling into chaos while ISIS barbarians and hive-minded Starbucks baristas march toward the undefended front gates of Western civilization. No, I would assert that most roads now lead to the toilet bowl and we can thank the internet for the privilege and gift of being privy to this special kind of riveting news and investigative journalism. Thank you so much Mark Zuckerberg. I now know much more about space-age dildos, designer drugs, drag queens, and doggy-style sex among furry fetishists than I ever did before. I also know where all my friends live, eat, drink, shit, travel and take their pets to make potty. I am very tuned in and am so “connected” that I can (and often do) watch as the Facebook status updates change at 2 AM like the ever-changing stock ticker in Times Square… only way more irrelevant. Hell, all this stuff about eyeball enemas and cornea kleptos may signal, if not directly trigger some new food fad or culinary social event such as a “Pop-up/Pop-Out” Eyeball challenge on Chopped or a Super Dirty Martini class for the hardcore mixology crowd. Who needs green olives when you have the whole “Minority Report” sight organ slung over your cocktail glass, optic nerve and all. Sort of makes that love quote from Avatar, “I see you” just that much more ambiguous in these techno times of hovering drones, constant communication, and 24-hour surveillance. Regardless, I say let’s not worry our pretty little human heads too much about it right now and once again raise our wine glasses so that I may say unto you all, the digital information overloaded people of Planet Earth, “Here’s looking at ya!” “LChaim!”